Here’s some tough love, however: Respect doesn’t offer any family discounts. If your sister or cousin disrespects your thoughts, belittles you, or disregards your boundaries, it’s even more painful than if she were a stranger. It doesn’t matter how similar you may look or sound; if your family is making you miserable, it doesn’t matter if you have the same surname.
You aren’t obligated to excommunicate family members, but there’s nothing wrong with redefining your terms of service. You can decide not to discuss politics, religion, or other subjects; you can set boundaries that limit the amount of time you spend with family. Taking care of yourself around your relatives is not “betraying” your family—it’s growing up.
The Ghost of the Person You Once Were
There are certain people who have a fascination with the “old” you. They are interested in discussing the failures that occurred in your thirties or what you used to be like before you got wiser. This keeps you firmly rooted in something that you left behind long ago.
It is nice to look back sometimes but it is also draining being around a person who cannot see beyond what you used to be like. You have grown. You are different in many ways, having become softer in some respects and harder in others. How can you enjoy today when the people around you keep reminding you of your past?
The people who are worth having around are those who are interested in the person you currently are and not who you once were decades ago.
The “Crowded Loneliness”
Then, we have the lonely relationship – the one you have absolutely nothing in common with anymore. Here, you simply sit there, surrounded by a thick silence because you know you have absolutely nothing more to say to each other.
There’s a particular kind of loneliness that occurs when you find yourself around the wrong kind of people; it is lonelier even than solitude. The reason why so many do not want to leave such empty relationships is due to the fear of a “void,” but the void is almost always better than the illusion of an “us.”
The Relentless Conflict-Seeker
There are some individuals who only feel truly alive when there is some sort of firefighting to do or when there is some sort of disagreement. It is all too easy for these individuals to make everything a debate and to turn even the smallest problem into something more serious.
When you are thirty, you have enough energy to deal with these kinds of situations. When you are seventy, you simply tune them out. Most things that cause arguments are really not worth getting worked up about at the end of the day. When you find yourself being dragged into some conflict, whether it’s personal or at the dinner table on Sundays, these people are actively taking away your peace.
Why Selectivity is the Greatest Gift of Ageing
There is even a psychological theory for this, called Socioemotional Selectivity Theory. Essentially, as young people, we seek “information” and “possibilities,” and we talk to everybody. However, as we age and recognize that our days are numbered, we prioritize “emotional meaning.”
We no longer seek to build a “network” but seek to create a “haven.”
This does not indicate that you are becoming “cantankerous” or “reclusive.” On the contrary, it reflects a sense of purposefulness. In essence, it is the equivalent of decluttering your home from an emotional standpoint. You are evaluating every single relationship and asking yourself, “Does it bring me happiness?” If the response is “No, it actually gives me a headache,” you have every justification to discard it.
Conclusion
Moving away from relationships after the age of 70 does not require any elaborate farewell speeches. There is no need for sending a resignation letter. The process typically involves a gradual fade-out rather than an abrupt cut-off. This involves the decision to stop calling and texting, apologizing for things one did not do, and making appearances for people who would not do anything similar for them.
It’s all about recognition. One recognizes their independence and realizes that they cannot exist as someone else’s whipping post, personal psychologist, or reserve force.
Once you get rid of the “wrong” individuals, you will finally have enough strength to breathe and enjoy some quality time with those who genuinely make you smile, listen to you, and give you their attention. Isn’t that what you deserve after living through seventy years?
Caring for your own inner peace does not amount to rejection but self-care. It may very well be one of the most important steps you take at this stage of your life.